This time around.

I was awakened by a silent scream. The one that comes from deep within a person's soul and is saturated with so much emotion, that not even sound could hold it. It heaved every corner of my room, leaving no inch of space unfilled. No sound could be heard yet it drilled into my eardrum and tugged at my heart. The scream went on...and on...and on. It had a life of its own. Around and around it would swirl above me, mockingly. Behind the darkness of the room it would hide, and when unexpected it would jump before me and I would feel a fist of -- wrath, loath, desperation -- pierce through me, weakening every inch of my body.

The nights were the worst; darkness was its advocate. There was no escape. Even if I hid under my blanket, darkness was there. Even if I shut my eyes, darkness was there. Everywhere I looked, there was darkness. The dark knew every fear I had and when it pleased, it would reach deep in its pocket and pull out all sorts of shadows that resembled my worst nightmares. The silent scream loved this. There was no escape.

 And so I waited. I waited until it lost interest in me. I hugged my knees and tucked my head on top. I let the scream do as it wished. I let it enter my body. I let it attack my heart -- pulling, tugging, ripping -- without mercy. I let it spill acid in my stomach. I let its ego intensify. There was no escape and so I let it. All the while I coped with tears -- suffocating of tears. I cried until my face and knees were soaked and then I cried some more. I cried because that was all I could do.

            After awhile, when my eyes dried up and the dawn crept through my window, the wretched scream left and took darkness with it. Finally, I was alone again. As soon as the scream vanished, I collapsed on my bed. I took a deep breath and I let my eyelids drop, my limbs relaxed. I took another deep breath. Within seconds…I was asleep again.

           

©Lea Perez, 2006

           

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Overwhelmed. Destroyed. Forlorn. We've all been there. That one night when we dropped everything we believed in and gave in to the pain. The time when our situation has convinced us that there are no such thing as happy endings and that fairy tales have gotten it all wrong because the villains always win and the protagonist never stood a chance. 


But then again there are also days like this. Days when we're sitting in front of the computer and typing away on our keyboard about that wretched night. A night that has become nothing more than blur in the past and makes for a great blog entry :) Every time you face another struggle, hold on to that truth. Once upon a time, you've been there, done that, and you survived. 

            

First Love.

written: Nov. 7, 2005

            I let out a sigh as I squeezed my way between faceless strangers. It's Monday, another week, another day. Who knows what this week has in store? I hugged my binder and let out another sigh. English class first thing in the morning, something to look forward to. I let my surrounding turn into a blur and focused my attention to my breathing. I took a long, deep breath. With my eyes oblivious, I uttered a short prayer: Let it be about you and not me. May my thoughts, words and actions be pleasing to you and to you alone.

            It has become a habit to for me to recite this prayer every time I had a moment to think. My only source of refuge has been God. How my faith has strengthened this pass week, is indescribable. When I reached the pits of my depression, it was Him who comforted me. It is amazing how much your life can change in a matter of days, or hours in fact. But all that, tears and pain combined, are all beneath me now; or so I convince myself. I have decided a few days back to surrender all to God. Alone, I can't handle this trial I am put against, but with Him, I feel much stronger and able. Still, easier said than done. In a week or two, maybe a month, I'll be fine. To however many days it takes, oh God help me.

            I entered the weary classroom, filled with sluggish teenagers. I put on my usual morning smile and greeted everyone a good morning. Sarah and Rachelle turned to smile at me. Throwing my bag on my desk, I glanced around to the familiar faces. As I studied the faces of my fellow classmates, I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking at that exact moment. I wondered what type of difficulties they were going through. Is it any worse than mine? If only I knew what everyone was thinking. A loud beep interrupted my thoughts and the morning announcements began, signaling the start of another day.

            I tugged at my hair. I bit my palm. I clenched my teeth. I jumped up and down. I screamed through my pillow. I prayed and I begged, but nothing helped. I dialed his number. The moment I hear his voice I'll hang up, is what I told myself. He said hello. My heart performed difficult twists and turns.

            "Hi…ok bye!" I stuttered.

            "Hi!" he replied back, I could hear the delight in his voice.

            At that very moment, my heart melted. I missed him so much, and to hear his voice again after week was overwhelming. I longed so much to hug him, to brush my fingers through his hair, to watch his lips curl into a smile, although he tried so hard not to. I wanted to be with him. Helpless, I gulped the thoughts away.

            "I just wanted to say hi, and make sure you're still alive," I joked, amazingly.

            He giggled and that alone stopped the beating of my heart. My state is far beyond comprehensible. The devious questions pounded my mind. Why? Why do we have to go through this? Why me? Using all my strength I shoved the questions to the back of my mind.

            We talked for awhile. I asked the usual questions: how was your day, did you eat breakfast, how are you. All the while, we laughed and joked around. It was as if nothing happened. AS if everything was ok. I really missed him.

            "So you wanna come see me Wednesday?" I teased but secretly wished he would.

            "OK!" he replied in his usual excited way.

            "Alright then, I guess I'll just wait for you after school and see if you show up?" My heart was pounding uncontrollably. Will I finally get to see him?

            "Ok!" he said again, but this time I heard a hint of sadness in his voice.

            "I'm glad we agreed." I cheered, but already a poisoning chemical swirled at the pit of my stomach.

            "But…" he started to protest.

            "Wednesday then? Ok Bye!" I hung up.

            I sat there for awhile, the phone resting on my hand. I wanted to be excited but I couldn't. A terrible thought occurred to me. This is wrong. And so I did the only thing I could do, and kneeled down and prayed. God, help me do what is right. God don't let me give in to temptation. I want to obey you, even if it's the hardest thing I have to do. Please tell me what I should do. Without another thought, I opened my eyes and dialed his number again.

            "Sorry to call, but I have a question?" I didn't bother to say hello.

            "Yea?"

            "Is it wrong that I'm going to see you on Wednesday?"

            "Kind of…I'm still not allowed to see you." His voice has adopted a melancholy tone.

            "I see. I understand. It's ok, you don't have to see me on Wednesday. I can wait."

            "Are you sure about that?" his voice changed again, this time to its usual teasing way.

            "Yap, I waited one week, I think I can wait another…or another. Just call me when we can see each other again. Or whenever you miss me…" I forced myself to giggle.

            "Thanks. Take care."

            "You too…go to sleep, you have work early tomorrow."

            My eyes started to water as I clicked the phone off. I took another deep breath and almost choked on my tears. Who knew love could be this difficult. Still, I amaze myself each day. It is so hard to sacrifice, to let go…when all I want to do is hold on. I want to be happy, of course. But more importantly, I want him to be happy. Do I believe in soul mates? It is a comforting thought. Have I met mine? To find out, I'll have to endure many more restless nights and suffocating tears. Sigh. There goes another day. 




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Because I have a lot of more important things to do that I decided not to do. 


Instead of flipping through my financial accounting book, I found myself sorting through my old CDs. I haven't touched those in years, and what a delightful surprise, a cd full of things I`ve written in the past: stories, poems, journal entries... A glimpse of my life 6-5 years ago. Ironically enough, not much have changed. It's like the past me is giving the present me some long overdue advice. It makes sense since stubborn 'ol me, only listens to myself. Touché. 

I dedicate this true story of my own first love, to those of you who have loved, is in love, and longs for love.

 Enjoy. 

Take a Peek.

A blog should be a place where I can post my honest opinions on anything and everything. Sometimes I aim for perfection a bit too much and I end up only disappointing myself. So here I am, my toes freezing due to the blasting air conditioning here on campus, and I am going to attempt free writing. I think that's what it's called? When you write NONSTOP for a set period of time. So I've set an alarm for 10 minutes. Let's see what I come up with.


Oh no I'm coming off blank. I swear when I decided to do this I had a million topics in mind and now, nothing. I'm waiting for my friends to finish grocery shopping so that I can have lunch with them. Their 4 year old baby is my bestfriend and it's her birthday today! Is that sad? A four year old for a best friend? If you ask me they make the BEST kind of friends. Their minds and hearts are still so pure and innocent, untainted by the evils of this world. And when kids love they love so unconditionally (despite the short attention span :P). I love seeing her face light up when I come visit or how she would tell me she loves me and I know that I can trust those words easily  and without a doubt. They are so much more open with their feelings, something we lose over the years. We become more guarded of our feelings and people never really say what they mean anymore.


My legs are numb and my fingers are getting stiff because I am freezing. I guess it's lunch time because the noise ratio just shot up. So many people. I feel like hiding. HAHA. I'm trying to write but my ears keep getting distracted. EAVES DROPPING. Oh man please shut it off, I don't want to listen to their highschool drama. Back on track. Three minutes left. I shouldn't have said that because now I'm flustered. What now?


Do you consider yourself to be a good person? Have you ever thought that maybe what you think of yourself does not match what others think of you? I had a little visit from reality a couple of weeks ago when I found out that people don't really think I'm as nice as I thought I was. Now who's fault is that? Yours or mine?? (haha with a comment like that, no wonder!) But it's OK to not be liked. You can't really expect to be liked by everyone, right? I think that would be more creepy. One thing is for sure, I am who I am. And as long as I know in my heart that I don't intentionally hurt people, then I'm OK with that. I'm good with being ME. And if you're not, ayah tough luck!  :P


TIME'S UP!!!!




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By popular demand (and by popular I mean, one person): a self commentary.


I decided to free write to see what it feels like to let go. Free writing is suppose to be messy and all over the place, a true stream of consciousness. But when I reread mine, I noticed that even in the times when I`ve supposedly let go, I am still overly cautious. I`m pretty sure this has a lot to do with the fact that I have become more closed off, even to myself. Maybe it is because my mind and my heart are trying to protect me since I`m too stubborn to protect myself...I think I might even consider myself a modern martyr. Figure that one out. Maybe I`ll explain later on, in forms of metaphors and the likes, but as for now, all you get is a peek ;)