I was awakened by a silent scream. The one that comes from deep within a person's soul and is saturated with so much emotion, that not even sound could hold it. It heaved every corner of my room, leaving no inch of space unfilled. No sound could be heard yet it drilled into my eardrum and tugged at my heart. The scream went on...and on...and on. It had a life of its own. Around and around it would swirl above me, mockingly. Behind the darkness of the room it would hide, and when unexpected it would jump before me and I would feel a fist of -- wrath, loath, desperation -- pierce through me, weakening every inch of my body.
The nights were the worst; darkness was its advocate. There was no escape. Even if I hid under my blanket, darkness was there. Even if I shut my eyes, darkness was there. Everywhere I looked, there was darkness. The dark knew every fear I had and when it pleased, it would reach deep in its pocket and pull out all sorts of shadows that resembled my worst nightmares. The silent scream loved this. There was no escape.
And so I waited. I waited until it lost interest in me. I hugged my knees and tucked my head on top. I let the scream do as it wished. I let it enter my body. I let it attack my heart -- pulling, tugging, ripping -- without mercy. I let it spill acid in my stomach. I let its ego intensify. There was no escape and so I let it. All the while I coped with tears -- suffocating of tears. I cried until my face and knees were soaked and then I cried some more. I cried because that was all I could do.
After awhile, when my eyes dried up and the dawn crept through my window, the wretched scream left and took darkness with it. Finally, I was alone again. As soon as the scream vanished, I collapsed on my bed. I took a deep breath and I let my eyelids drop, my limbs relaxed. I took another deep breath. Within seconds…I was asleep again.
©Lea Perez, 2006
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Overwhelmed. Destroyed. Forlorn. We've all been there. That one night when we dropped everything we believed in and gave in to the pain. The time when our situation has convinced us that there are no such thing as happy endings and that fairy tales have gotten it all wrong because the villains always win and the protagonist never stood a chance.
But then again there are also days like this. Days when we're sitting in front of the computer and typing away on our keyboard about that wretched night. A night that has become nothing more than blur in the past and makes for a great blog entry :) Every time you face another struggle, hold on to that truth. Once upon a time, you've been there, done that, and you survived.
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