First Love.

written: Nov. 7, 2005

            I let out a sigh as I squeezed my way between faceless strangers. It's Monday, another week, another day. Who knows what this week has in store? I hugged my binder and let out another sigh. English class first thing in the morning, something to look forward to. I let my surrounding turn into a blur and focused my attention to my breathing. I took a long, deep breath. With my eyes oblivious, I uttered a short prayer: Let it be about you and not me. May my thoughts, words and actions be pleasing to you and to you alone.

            It has become a habit to for me to recite this prayer every time I had a moment to think. My only source of refuge has been God. How my faith has strengthened this pass week, is indescribable. When I reached the pits of my depression, it was Him who comforted me. It is amazing how much your life can change in a matter of days, or hours in fact. But all that, tears and pain combined, are all beneath me now; or so I convince myself. I have decided a few days back to surrender all to God. Alone, I can't handle this trial I am put against, but with Him, I feel much stronger and able. Still, easier said than done. In a week or two, maybe a month, I'll be fine. To however many days it takes, oh God help me.

            I entered the weary classroom, filled with sluggish teenagers. I put on my usual morning smile and greeted everyone a good morning. Sarah and Rachelle turned to smile at me. Throwing my bag on my desk, I glanced around to the familiar faces. As I studied the faces of my fellow classmates, I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking at that exact moment. I wondered what type of difficulties they were going through. Is it any worse than mine? If only I knew what everyone was thinking. A loud beep interrupted my thoughts and the morning announcements began, signaling the start of another day.

            I tugged at my hair. I bit my palm. I clenched my teeth. I jumped up and down. I screamed through my pillow. I prayed and I begged, but nothing helped. I dialed his number. The moment I hear his voice I'll hang up, is what I told myself. He said hello. My heart performed difficult twists and turns.

            "Hi…ok bye!" I stuttered.

            "Hi!" he replied back, I could hear the delight in his voice.

            At that very moment, my heart melted. I missed him so much, and to hear his voice again after week was overwhelming. I longed so much to hug him, to brush my fingers through his hair, to watch his lips curl into a smile, although he tried so hard not to. I wanted to be with him. Helpless, I gulped the thoughts away.

            "I just wanted to say hi, and make sure you're still alive," I joked, amazingly.

            He giggled and that alone stopped the beating of my heart. My state is far beyond comprehensible. The devious questions pounded my mind. Why? Why do we have to go through this? Why me? Using all my strength I shoved the questions to the back of my mind.

            We talked for awhile. I asked the usual questions: how was your day, did you eat breakfast, how are you. All the while, we laughed and joked around. It was as if nothing happened. AS if everything was ok. I really missed him.

            "So you wanna come see me Wednesday?" I teased but secretly wished he would.

            "OK!" he replied in his usual excited way.

            "Alright then, I guess I'll just wait for you after school and see if you show up?" My heart was pounding uncontrollably. Will I finally get to see him?

            "Ok!" he said again, but this time I heard a hint of sadness in his voice.

            "I'm glad we agreed." I cheered, but already a poisoning chemical swirled at the pit of my stomach.

            "But…" he started to protest.

            "Wednesday then? Ok Bye!" I hung up.

            I sat there for awhile, the phone resting on my hand. I wanted to be excited but I couldn't. A terrible thought occurred to me. This is wrong. And so I did the only thing I could do, and kneeled down and prayed. God, help me do what is right. God don't let me give in to temptation. I want to obey you, even if it's the hardest thing I have to do. Please tell me what I should do. Without another thought, I opened my eyes and dialed his number again.

            "Sorry to call, but I have a question?" I didn't bother to say hello.

            "Yea?"

            "Is it wrong that I'm going to see you on Wednesday?"

            "Kind of…I'm still not allowed to see you." His voice has adopted a melancholy tone.

            "I see. I understand. It's ok, you don't have to see me on Wednesday. I can wait."

            "Are you sure about that?" his voice changed again, this time to its usual teasing way.

            "Yap, I waited one week, I think I can wait another…or another. Just call me when we can see each other again. Or whenever you miss me…" I forced myself to giggle.

            "Thanks. Take care."

            "You too…go to sleep, you have work early tomorrow."

            My eyes started to water as I clicked the phone off. I took another deep breath and almost choked on my tears. Who knew love could be this difficult. Still, I amaze myself each day. It is so hard to sacrifice, to let go…when all I want to do is hold on. I want to be happy, of course. But more importantly, I want him to be happy. Do I believe in soul mates? It is a comforting thought. Have I met mine? To find out, I'll have to endure many more restless nights and suffocating tears. Sigh. There goes another day. 




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Because I have a lot of more important things to do that I decided not to do. 


Instead of flipping through my financial accounting book, I found myself sorting through my old CDs. I haven't touched those in years, and what a delightful surprise, a cd full of things I`ve written in the past: stories, poems, journal entries... A glimpse of my life 6-5 years ago. Ironically enough, not much have changed. It's like the past me is giving the present me some long overdue advice. It makes sense since stubborn 'ol me, only listens to myself. Touché. 

I dedicate this true story of my own first love, to those of you who have loved, is in love, and longs for love.

 Enjoy.